Monday, November 14, 2011

The Eye Doctor: Owned

This past Saturday I got to go to the eye doctor. I've been lucky enough to see an eye doctor every year since I was about 5. I've been even luckier to have my prescription get worse every time I go. To most people, I would be considered "practically blind"; to almost everyone else in my family, I'm practically a seeing eye dog. I'm still about a -5.5 with astigmatism, and if you wear glasses or contacts, you know that means I basically can't see anything past my nose without correction... just to put this story into perspective.

After filling out the requisite paperwork and getting air blown into my eyes (my favorite part!), the nurse lady walks me into a darkened room (for natural dilation...I'll bet) and starts telling me about the different things the doctor will do and what to expect, yada, yada, yada. She also tells me that I will be getting dilated. I explain to her that I have a salon appointment after my eye appointment, so, for vanity reasons, I cannot have my eyes dilated. She explains that my only other option is a $35 photo of my retina. I ask if I can take it home with me and use it for my Christmas cards since it would be about as much as a photo shoot at Sears and she says no, but I can take the issue up with the doctor when he comes in and she will write "Dilation?" on my chart. I have a feeling she also wrote a note about my sass, because I've heard they do that for future reference. Best they be warned in advance, I suppose.

The doctor finally comes in and asks about "Dilation?" written on my chart. I explain the situation and that I cannot have my eyes dilated for vanity reasons and also do not want to pay $35 for a photo of my retinas that I don't get to at least keep for a souvenir. Amazingly, this man understands and I dodge a serious dilation bullet. 

After the general exam is over, it's time for the peripheral vision flashy thingy test. Apparently, this test requires no corrective lenses. So the nurse leads me back to a random contact lens room to remove my contacts, again, and instructs me to "meet her back up front for the flashy test thingy". She didn't actually call it the flashy test thingy, but I don't really care what the actual name of the damn thing is. I take my contacts out and realize this woman is no where to be found at all and am all, "FUCK! I'm lost!" Finally I find her and decide to gently remind her that you can't just let blind people try to find their own way around your stupid office.
Me: "Jeez, you need a seeing eye dog to get up here!
Eye Doctor Nurse: "Oh, yes, maybe I should've worn a brighter color." 
She was wearing a fucking cream sweater, like the easiest thing to see ever. Maybe you shouldn't force people to remove their corrective lenses and then put them in a goddamn corn maze to get their "final eye exams" taken.

An hour later, I'm finally done with the exams and get to give them my $10 co-pay for the corn maze, solid alone time in a dimly lit room and blast of air to my eyeballs. The eye doctor nurse points out that I was actually able to talk my way out of dilation AND the $35 eyeball photo and seems impressed. "You should be in sales!" Duh.

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