Tuesday, November 6, 2012


Wow. So people still read this old thing, eh? Shocking, really. But, thank you.The 4 cents I've made from this blog have been totally worth the effort.

About a month ago I, begrudgingly, moved from the city to the suburbs. If you've ever been to Atlanta, you would know that this is a huge change. After a few months of looking in the city, a few failed offers (you would not believe how fast a foreclosure in Morningside will fly off the market!), and a few hour+ discussions, we (read:the fiance) decided to expand our search to the suburbs. Granted, in his line of work (restoring classic cars) we knew we needed a garage and city houses just so rarely offered garages, and if they did they were about a 1/2 car garage, it made sense. So off we went to the bustling OTP 'hoods (outside the perimeter the dorkbomb suburbs, for non-ATLians) in search of a dream home. After only a few weeks (and about 20 houses) we found one we could compromise on (He got a big house in the suburbs with a garage. I got a pool. I win.).

Moving from the city was so weird at first. It was SO dark. And SO quiet. And SO...suburban. Strip malls and minivans everywhere. However, I slowly started to realize the benefits of living in the suburbs. Long gone were the 35 minute drives to the nearest Costco. Gas was about 15 cents cheaper, and there was actually a gas station on my way to work! You could get an awesome pizza delivered in about 45 minutes, not the hour and a half it would normally take in the city! AND I didn't have to go down a loooong hall, down an elevator, and outside to walk my dog. Gradually, I accepted my fate and decided to make the best of it.

However, I started to notice major, daily differences that would affect my life forever...

I am cut off by an Escalade or BMW or minivan DAILY on my way to work. Always one of those three.

 People at the grocery store are just too damn friendly. I miss the hippie grocery store on Ponce and Murder Kroger.

Children come to your door begging for candy! (Oh wait, that might have been Halloween)

Strip malls. Seriously. Everywhere.

Babies. Seriously. Everywhere. Also, stop asking me when I'm having babies, everyone ever. Never. Just to spite you.

Everyone assumes I am married because we bought a house together. We are not married. Yet. But we've been living in sin for 3 years. If one more of my neighbors refers to The Fiance as my husband, I will slap them.

Republican bumper stickers on every car ever. The complete opposite of the city, where almost every car has a bumper sticker supporting a Blue candidate, marriage equality, the environment, the hippie neighborhood in which they live, eating organic, eating local, bicycling, bands no one has ever heard of, breweries, restaurants (Fox Bros., what up!), and every other polarizing subject you can think of.

Malls. I have been in a mall two times in the last 2 years, and have spent no more than about 1 hour, total in malls in those 2 years. There are malls f-ing everywhere in the suburbs. I think I live about 10 minutes from 3 malls.

My house has zero bars. Literally, zero. We had to install an IP router for all of our cell phone calls. Which leads me to...

We have a home phone. No one actually calls us. Only political robocalls. And I use it to order pizza, just to get our money's worth. I've turned it into a game to answer the phone different ways every time. Some day I hope a real person is there and can appreciate my effort.

This is basically my view before I get onto the highway every day. See all the green stuff before you get to the buildings? :(

All in all, I'm adjusting rather well to the suburbs. Especially getting to sleep an extra 10 minutes because I don't have to take my dog outside and don't have to drive 5 minutes to just get out of my parking garage. I'm already petitioning to move back to the city, though. It will happen. Some day. Until then, does anyone need a place to stay in Atlanta? I have about 47 unoccupied rooms in my house of sin I still need to fill up. Let me know. I swear the suburbs aren't that bad.