Friday, January 27, 2012

Why I Probably Wouldn't Last More Than a Week in Prison, Despite My Beliefs that I Would

If you've never seen the show Beyond Scared Straight, go watch an episode and then come back. This is a show where they take troubled teens who are already getting involved with the law and try to scare them straight by taking them to prison for the day. And it's awesome. Seriously.

The show always has a few featured teens and they are always the same stereotypes:
  • The kid who thinks he's badass, but is really just a big baby and ends up crying
  • The kid who hasn't actually been in big trouble or done anything that bad, but has decent parents who are trying to prove a point
  • The kid who actually is kind of a badass and vows to change after having someone explains how they will definitely get raped in prison, but ends up going right back to their naughty ways and, usually, in juvenile detention
  • The kid who runs with a bad crowd and is just trying to get attention because they have terrible parents
So basically, they traipse these kids through the prison, make them eat prison food, and then listen to prisoners stories about how they got mixed up with a bad crowd to try to straighten them out. It is highly entertaining and will make you never want to go to prison, especially if they have a guy that tells a rape story. Your buttcheeks will clench so fast you won't be able to poop for a week.

Recently, they've had a few episodes that showed women's prisons. I've always thought that because I'm quite a bit larger than the average sized girl (5'10") I would always be ok in prison. I realize that most people probably don't think about their legitimacy if they were ever sent to prison, but these are the kinds of things that run through my head. "Would I be able to survive in prison? Or would I be someone's bitch?" However, after watching a few of these episodes with women's prisons, I quickly realized that I would be eaten alive in a week (unless I quickly learned to crochet like Martha Stewart and befriended everyone with my charm and domesticity) and probably be, like, 5 people's bitch.

Exhibit A: Diabla

This might be the scariest bitch I've ever seen ever. Her name is Diabla for God's sake!!! This women would eat me alive, both literally and figuratively. Diabla is the reason I would never make it in prison. Well, the primary reason.

Other reasons I wouldn't last longer than a week in prison include:

  • I have never been in a physical fight in my life
  • I stopped lifting weights about 6 months ago, although it would definitely be something I could pick back up in the joint
  • I have never been involved in illegal activities, except for the time that my friends and I broke into a "cult" in high school and had a truck chase us back down a scary driveway after we knocked on the big garage door thing that was just randomly coming out of a huge hill...allegedly.
  • I am extremely uncoordinated.
  • I would probably be malnourished and frail due to not eating prison food because I'm weird about germs and stuff
  • I am not in a gang
This is just the tip of the iceberg, but you get where I'm going with this. Basically what I'm saying is that in my mind, I would be the queen of the jailyard, but in reality, I would get my ass kicked so fast it wouldn't even be entertaining to watch. I think my only defense would be my razor sharp wit, but I think even that would be reduced due to the malnourishment.

I'm really going to do my best to not end up in prison, but you better start plotting how you're going to break me out now, because there's now way I'll last. I'm just way too much of a pussy.

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