Three Christmas Related Questions

Christmas is confusing to me in a lot of ways. But, today I was wondering these three specific things.

1.) How early is TOO early to start listening to Christmas music? Greg told me XM doesn't start playing Christmas music until this week, but I feel like there's a chance he was either a.) lying so he didn't have to listen to Christmas music or b.) actually has no idea and was just making shit up. I feel like there's probably a year round Christmas music station. And if there's not, they're really missing an untapped resource and I feel like I should get credit (and royalties) for any money they make off of that station.

2.) How early is too early to send out Christmas cards? I ordered some pretty epic Christmas/Holiday cards this year. Without my Groupon and awesome discounts, they were like $106! $106 for freaking Christmas cards, NOT including postage. No wonder people complain about how much they spend on Christmas. It's the middle of November and I've probably already dropped $700 on cards, pre-purchased gifts, and plane tickets. I mean, the older I get, the less angry I get at Scrooge. I get it. I totally get it. That's probably also why it took me 30 minutes to come up with a "nice" phrase to put on the cards that was not totally laced with profanity. "Happy Holidays. Fuck Off." Was quickly shot down as was "We hope you have a wonderful holiday season and get all the stupid shit you want. You know what the fuck I'm talking about".

3.) How early is too early to put up a Christmas tree? I've seen some Facebook updates that seem like now is an ok time to do it. I have a tree being delivered (!!!) the Saturday after Thanksgiving (including a stand, awesome, right?!) and I feel like that's an appropriate time, but I'd totally have those bitches up now if I had my hoard of fake trees within 1000 miles of my present location.

I think Christmas is kind of a pain in the ass, but I still love the simple, stupid traditions.

Someone Pay Me Already!

I network, socially, often. I have Twitter apps and Facebook apps and Yelp apps and all kinds of apps and some of them don't even work. I post "hilarious" updates and statuses and photos and links and revel in the comments and the conversations I have with my friends and family about them. My boyfriend, however, does not think it's as hilarious because I'm typically posting these hilarious updates via my phone while he is present. We both work long hours, he works Saturdays, too, so I guess I can see why he might be a bit irritated, but when your girlfriend is as hilarious and entertaining as I am, I really think he should just let it slide.

A few days ago it occurred to me that if I was getting paid to write hilarious things and post awesome status updates about homeless guys in the bowling alley dancing to Boyz II Men, he could never be mad at me again! So I asked him, "Greg, if I was getting paid to do all of this, would I still be in trouble?" and he said, "No." And thus, my quest begins.

I have always wanted to be a writer...of some sort. I "published" my first book when I was in 1st grade and had my first poem actually published when I was about 6. In retrospect, I'm sure everything I wrote back then was total garbage and everyone was just being nice because I was trying to be a writer at such a young age, but the groundwork was laid. Since then, I've had a number of random, totally-unrelated-to-writing jobs and have really enjoyed a few of them, but have never really found anything I want to be married to. Writing is the one thing I keep coming back to. Unfortunately, as most people know, finding a job where you actually get paid to write is very, very, very, very difficult; hence, my quest. I figure, if it doesn't work out, what the heck. I gave it a shot and am no worse off than I was before AND a few people got to read some of my completely insane life stories that could only happen to me.

If you want to pay me to write, please contact me. I'll take your money. If you don't, no problem. Enjoy the free laughs.