Everyone Should Have Siblings This Obnoxious and Awesome!

So, I'm moving to Atlanta at the beginning of February with my fiancé for his job, so we've had a few trips down that way recently in hopes of not being homeless. After months of searching, we finally found a place to live, and are no longer intermittently homeless. WOOT!

Atlanta is a HUGE city. Way bigger than anywhere I've ever lived before (Kansas City, Missouri, Kirksville, Missouri, Charlotte, North Carolina), well, except for that 6 year stint I had previously in Atlanta, but I don't think it counts if you were pooping your pants for at least 2 of those years. (Unless it was during college and you have a bad habit while drinking) I was actually born in Atlanta and went to Kindergarten there, but I don't think that counts as actually "living" somewhere since I probably never ventured outside of the 20 mile radius of where I was born and lived. Needless to say, there is some crazy shit going on in that town. From "Occupy Atlanta" protesters camping out in front of a run down house in a bad part of town, to a homeless dude, ahem, "touching" himself in broad daylight on the sidewalks, to finding out that someone got shot outside of a bar I was at just a few months prior. All totally awesome.

This past weekend during a marathon apartment hunt, however, I came across another kind of crazy. An awesome kind of crazy.

Yes, that says "Please Hire My Brother! He's a Salesman www.BillFrenkel.com" and then the phone number. The website is still active and is basically just the guys resume and email address.

How awesome is that?! Granted, it was in kind of a weird location right across from a bunch of train tracks on a road that not many people were on, but it's still awesome! I mean, of course there's always a chance that his brother lives in his basement and is a real jerk and he's just trying to get him out, but that's still pretty darn cool. That sign itself would've cost $100!

The economy is still a little rough, but it's good to see that people are taking a creative approach to find a job. Not to mention, what an awesome brother (or sister, I suppose). It's the little things like this that make me laugh a little and see the bright spot in humanity. I believe that people are, in general, good, and this is just proof of that.

Need more proof? My sister is also awesome. Just look at this incredible Christmas gift I received!

Yeah. It's a Forever Lazy. Jealous?!!? It was so exciting, I couldn't even be lazy in the damn thing. I was just too excited.

Siblings...for the first 18 years of your life you want to stab them and then they give you awesome gifts. Sweet.

Airlines: They Will Always Try to F You; One Way or Another

I hate flying. Not because I'm scared, or have horrible anxiety about it, or fear we're going to crash; it's everything else. From the parking to the getting tickets/checking bags/changing flights/delays/other ticketing counter related BS to security to waiting to being wedged into a seat. It's all totally miserable to me. Unfortunately, on a recent trip back home for Christmas basically everything irritating about flying that can happen, did.

Our awesome flight experience began when we were about to walk out the door of our home to go to the airport and I get a text from Orbitz (God bless them for sending these wonderful updates!) notifying me that our flight is delayed. An hour. Our layover in Atlanta is one hour 35 minutes. When we get to the airport to check in, the lady at the counter informs us that they don't start re-booking flights until your layover time is LESS than 30 minutes. I don't know if you've ever been through the Atlanta airport, but it's massive and crowded and filled with stupid people. 35 minutes means a marathon sprint from one end to another to barely make the boarding time. Fortunately, the lady at the ticketing counter is extremely nice and helpful (must've been filled with the Christmas spirit...or thought my dog was cute), otherwise I probably would have lost my mind when she tells us we have the last flight out of Atlanta and if we miss it, we can't leave until the following morning. We decide to chance it, and move on to the security line.

Fortunately, our flights were late enough that there were, literally, 12 people in line. It was incredible. Possibly one of the only times in my life (except in the KC airport) that security was a breeze. I was shocked, however, at the woman who had to step aside to scour her purse for her ID. Are there still people out there who don't understand the process? Like, she didn't know she would need that and prepare during her 5-10 minutes wait in line? It's baffling to me. I really think they should put signs along the line saying "PREPARE TO PRESENT YOUR ID AND TICKET" just so people remember.

We got to the gate plenty early, had a super healthy dinner or Cheez-it mix, trail mix, water and Naked juice, and got to listen to an older man SCREAM into his phone for about 30 minutes. Phones should be prohibited in the gate area. No one ever has a normal conversation and usually are just wasting time for the sake of wasting time (like the girl on our way back who was just calling everyone she could think of, speaking loudly about how she was at the airport and got to only see some of her friends during her trip because it was so short, but got everything she wanted for Christmas so she was happy. I shouldn't know these details, but I do because she was speaking to loudly in a confined area).

We finally board our flight, over an hour after its scheduled departure, and proceed to sit on the tarmac for over 30 minutes. For no reason. Well, I'm sure there was a reason, but it felt like an awfully long time when our next flight was scheduled to take off at our new expected landing time. The rest of our trip out was relatively boring and uneventful. Our flight out of Atlanta ended up being delayed as well, so our sprint from D to A in the wonderful Atlanta airport turned out to mostly just be for sport...although we were the last people to board the plane. Literally.

We spent a wonderful time with family and friends, received way too many gifts, ate way too much food and drank way too many adult beverages. It seemed as soon as it started, it was time for the joy of the airport to start all over again.

We booked our tickets months in advance and just expected them to be ready to go. Silly us. When we get to the ticketing counter, my fiancé was informed that they did not have him on the flight from Kansas City to Atlanta. WTF? It took a supervisor and about 15 minutes to finally get that straightened out, but was one of those things that just gets me about airlines. How does that happen? How is it possible? I just don't get it...

The Kansas City airport, if you've never been there, is an absolute dream to get through in terms of security. Sure, if you get stranded or miss your flight it's pretty terrible due to the lack of entertainment, food options, or proximity to anything worthwhile, but it's definitely the fastest airport I've ever been through. Breeze right through, everyone tells me how cute my dog is (yes, I travel with my dog sometimes... I don't trust strangers to take care of him for long periods of time due to his back condition). Aside from the loud/pointless talker, KC was mostly smooth sailing from there.

We arrive in Atlanta plenty early, and even had time for an ice cream cone (dinner of champions). My fiancé and I like to wait until the very last boarding call to get on planes so we're not those weirdos just standing and waiting forever. As some of the last people to board, we always get a great preview of our seatmates, which is not always the best thing...

This particular flight was quite undersold, so we assumed we'd be able to change seats and sit by one another and have enough room for the dog to be comfortable in front of us instead of being shoved under the seat. We were wrong. The seats on this particular flight were the 3-2 arrangement, with three on one side and two on the other. I was unfortunate enough to get a window seat on the 2 side; the smallest on the plane. I was also unfortunate enough to get the seat next to a 6'6" 400+ man who, quite literally, took up a seat and a half. Half of my seat. Although he apologized when I first sat down ("Sorry for the crowd, ma'am" because we were touching the entire time. And I hate people touching me anyway, even people I know.) it was still an incredibly uncomfortable situation. The flight attendants assured us that once everyone was boarded people would be able to change seats, which was super exciting given the fact that there were a number of empty seats all over the plane. Take-off came and went without anyone being allowed to change seats. I was stuck for the next 34 minutes of the flight and however long it took to taxi in and let us off. Of course, I'm not the classiest broad, so I snuck a picture of my seatmate (literally, MY seat mate).

This situation really bothered me. Not just because I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable, but also because it's just not fair. Why do I have to pay $25 each way for a 50 lbs. bag, $125 each way for my 15 lbs. dog, AND a regularly priced ticket when all of those things combined still weigh about half of what my seatmate weighed? It costs me almost $1000 to fly round-trip with a checked bag and a dog, but still costs the airline less than the man I had to share a seat with. I know paying by the pound is totally illogical logistically and would really piss some people off, but wouldn't it just make more sense? A heavier plane costs more to fly due to higher fuel costs. A heavier bag makes the plane heavier and I have to pay for that (and have), so why isn't a heavier person taken into consideration in the same way and made to pay higher prices? It's not my fault that people in America, in general, weigh more than they did 10 years ago, so why should I have to pay to make up the difference in fuel costs?

Flying will always be a pain the ass. There's nothing around that, but can't they at least try to make it a little less of a pain in the ass? Can I please bring full sized shampoo onto the plane with me? I mean, I can check it, what's the difference? And can I please stop having to take off my shoes and coat and/or sweater? I prefer to be fully clothed in public. Of course there's nothing I can do about any of these things except complain on my blog, but why can't airlines just make logical decisions? If any other type of company provided service like this, they'd go bankrupt! ...oh wait.

The World is Ending and I Have Proof

In case you didn't know yet, the world is ending. It has nothing to do with 2012 or cults or aliens, though. It has to do with Snooki. And The Situation. And even the beloved Pauly D. The entire Jersey Shore cast has forsaken us to doom by becoming Christmas ornaments.

I came across these Christmas monstrosities at my local CVS one evening and almost vomited in my mouth. Seriously? This is what the world is coming to? I don't really mind the non-Christmas Christmas ornaments that depict pop culture icons like "I Love Lucy" or Elvis or even the ones with football players on them because even some football players have notable talents or skills, but Jersey Shore? Seriously? This is who people want hanging on their trees? No names who became "famous" by acting like drunken idiots and putting a bad name with an entire group of people? Awesome.

I have to admit that if I were still in college (and drinking heavily) I would probably purchase the whole lot just to make a White Trash Christmas Tree; complete with the entire cast of Jersey Shore, some Natty Light beer cans strung up, strands of lights that flash and only partially work, possibly even some used cigarette butt garland. I think that's a tree that I could really be "proud" of, but it seems like one of those things where you really have to go full steam, or not at all. One Snooki ornament could be enough to ruin an entire tree.

It seems that every year Christmas gets further and further from the point and closer and closer to the end of the world. The Jersey Shore ornaments are just the first sign that we're doomed. What's next, big box electronics retailers making fun of Santa in their commercials?! Uh oh....

When Did Barbie Become Such a Skank?

I grew up playing with Barbies. I loved them. You can pretend that you actually have a white Ferrari and a pink horse and a trunk full of sparkly clothes and huge boobs. You can be whatever you want to be when you're playing with Barbies; a doctor, a nurse, a vet, a professor, and a variety of other professions that require advanced degrees. Barbie was the bomb.

Or so I thought. But seriously, when did Barbie become such a skank?

I came across this gem at TJ Maxx the other day (because I'm a sensational Maxxinista and love getting deals on Calvin Klein). It really made me think, no wonder the kids these days are dressing the way they do and acting the way they do. Have you SEEN Barbie?! When I was growing up Barbie encouraged me to go to school and be smart. You didn't need Ken, you just needed to be smart and awesome. Not to mention, Ken always wore those flesh colored underwear and that always really creeped me out.

Like I've already mentioned, MY Barbie was a doctor, or a bride, or a woman shopping on Rodeo drive in a fantastic pant suit. Who the hell is this?

I'm really starting to think that once Midge got pregnant (it was literally a Barbie with a silly putty egg in her belly with a baby in it!), the entire Barbie family had to move to the projects and start turning tricks to make ends meet and buy pampers for Midge's kid. You know, based on this photo.

Aside from Barbie looking skanky from the dress and hair and make-up, when did they change the Barbie proportions? I remember everyone used to be all up in arms about how busty and hip-y and whatever-y Barbie was, but now she just looks like an anorexic hooker (also read: crack whore). I'd much rather have my hypothetical children playing with a Barbie whose at least got some booty, because lord knows they'll inherit enough of it that they'll need to be comfortable with it and know how fab they can be without not eating.

I'm sure there are still fantastic Barbie clothes out there and if I were to go to a Toys R Us I'd see that doctor Barbie still exists, but I was really put off by the new version of Barbie. I want old Barbie back. Fortunately, I grew up loving Barbie and that will never change. I blame the real skanks, Bratz Dolls.

Blogging About Blogging

Blogging about blogging could be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, but today, I know no bounds! but this post should really be called, "Holy Shit Ya'll, The Bloggess E-mailed Me Back!". If you read many crazy blogs, you probably already read The Bloggess. Her blog is hilarious and a little crazy, in a good way, and was probably the number one thing that made me think I should actually keep up with a blog and not just make one about movie reviews, post like 4 reviews that were terrible, and give up.

A week or so ago, my friend Karen (go to her website and buy her book http://www.iansstory.org/, I'm in it, if that persuades you further and proceeds go to support testicular cancer awareness) posted a story on my Facebook wall about the day The Bloggess acquired a giant, metal chicken, who was named Beyoncé. Since then, I have virtually ravaged her blog reading every entry. It's hilarious. Seriously. Today, I finally made it back to December 2010 and came across this story where a smiling wild boar head, named James Garfield, helped strangers donate over $42,000 to other strangers. I joke around a lot and am kind of an asshole (ask my sister), but one thing that I have always done, and will always do, is give away as much money as I can without feeling like I'm going to starve or be naked*. It makes me feel better about being an asshole the rest of the time and helps people at the same time. It's a win-win. After reading this story, I wished I'd been reading this blog back then so I could've been involved, but thought I could do the next best thing, e-mail The Bloggess (aka Jenny) and see if she was going to do it all over again this year (Even though it, literally, almost killed her last year pairing everyone who needed up with everyone who was giving).

To my shock and amazement, she e-mailed me back. Like an hour after I sent the email! I couldn't believe it. I'm not sure how many unique visitors visit her site on a daily basis, but it's enough that she generated over $42,000 in donations in a couple of days from her everyday guests and notes in one post that she typically has over 3,000 unread emails in her inbox. The fact that she took the time to respond (especially after reading her blog and seeing how she usually responds to PR solicitations, etc.) blew my mind and makes her even cooler in my book.

Here is my email to her (Karen, I apologize in advance for my semi-profane reference... It's easier to just not explain):
Jenny,
Last week, my ex-boyfriend who passed away's mother (kind of a weird story, but you know how those are...) posted a link to your post about the day you found Beyoncé on my Facebook wall. Since then, I have read every post on your blog back to December 15, 2010. I know this doesn't sound like much of a feat, but I'm hoping to eventually get back to the very beginning. I think you're hilarious, and a little crazy in a good way, and it keeps me motivated throughout the day while I'm at work (Don't tell my boss, but I've literally kept the tab to your blog open since the first time I read the Beyoncé story and read a few pages every day). Today, I reached the posts about James Garfield's miracles. I realize that what happened last year almost killed you through sleep deprivation, but do you think you'll do it again/it will spontaneously happen again this year? If so, I'd like to go ahead and volunteer to donate $50 in giftcards, or cash or whatever, to anybody who needs it. I'm not loaded by any means, but I certainly have more than enough for just me and won't have any problem buying gifts for my family. I'd like to do what I can to help people who aren't as fortunate as I am.

Please let me know if anyone has stepped forward yet asking for help. I'd be more than happy to Paypal the money now for Thanksgiving or whatever, or wait until closer to Christmas...or James Garfield Day, which I think might be December 15th (like Festivus).

You really are more awesome than you know. Your blog brings so much joy and happiness to people who need it.

Thanks!
Carrie

And here is her reponse:
You are so awesome.  For real.  This year I think I'll do some sort of drive, but probably it'll be for Toys for Tots or something else that's easier to handle, you know?  Last year almost killed me and I'm just not
set up to do all that work even with volunteers.  I'll post something on my blog after Thanksgiving.  :)

 

 

The moral of the story is, everyone is awesome, some people even more than you would think. I also recommend that you start reading her blog habitually. It really will bring a small slice of joy to your everyday life. Also, be sure to read around Thanksgiving time to see what she has up her sleeves and help out if you can!

* A few of my favorite charities in case you're looking for someone to send your money to:
Humane Society of Charlotte - WONDERFUL place. The people at this facility are the most loving, fantastic people. They love all of the animals there like they were their own. It's also no-kill if at all possible. They take in and rehab a lot of animals that would otherwise be put down and bring in a number of animals from Animal Control down the road, that happens to be a kill shelter. They also host low-cost vaccine clinics and offer low-cost spay/neuter services. I can't say enough good things about HSC. You should give them some of your money.
The USO - I give a few times a year to the USO. People can say what they want, but I think they do such an amazing service for our troops. I was in the Baltimore airport recently and saw the USO spot there that's open to all servicemen and it blew my mind. What a wonderful way to show our troops we support them by just offering them simple comforts. I hate war, but I love our troops. You should give them some of your money, too.
Cancer Action - I think everyone I know has been impacted by cancer in some way. I spent almost all of my life in Kansas City, until moving to Charlotte in 2010, and was really blown away by what Cancer Action does for the community. From offering rides for patients, wellness information, financial aid to those affected who are having trouble paying their bills, they do everything that someone with cancer might find comforting or helpful. The American Cancer Society does a great service by spreading the word, but I feel that their use of donations is not as beneficial to actual cancer patients as Cancer Action, or other agencies that might be in your community. You should give some of your money to Cancer Action, too, or another local agency in your town.

Three Christmas Related Questions

Christmas is confusing to me in a lot of ways. But, today I was wondering these three specific things.

1.) How early is TOO early to start listening to Christmas music? Greg told me XM doesn't start playing Christmas music until this week, but I feel like there's a chance he was either a.) lying so he didn't have to listen to Christmas music or b.) actually has no idea and was just making shit up. I feel like there's probably a year round Christmas music station. And if there's not, they're really missing an untapped resource and I feel like I should get credit (and royalties) for any money they make off of that station.

2.) How early is too early to send out Christmas cards? I ordered some pretty epic Christmas/Holiday cards this year. Without my Groupon and awesome discounts, they were like $106! $106 for freaking Christmas cards, NOT including postage. No wonder people complain about how much they spend on Christmas. It's the middle of November and I've probably already dropped $700 on cards, pre-purchased gifts, and plane tickets. I mean, the older I get, the less angry I get at Scrooge. I get it. I totally get it. That's probably also why it took me 30 minutes to come up with a "nice" phrase to put on the cards that was not totally laced with profanity. "Happy Holidays. Fuck Off." Was quickly shot down as was "We hope you have a wonderful holiday season and get all the stupid shit you want. You know what the fuck I'm talking about".

3.) How early is too early to put up a Christmas tree? I've seen some Facebook updates that seem like now is an ok time to do it. I have a tree being delivered (!!!) the Saturday after Thanksgiving (including a stand, awesome, right?!) and I feel like that's an appropriate time, but I'd totally have those bitches up now if I had my hoard of fake trees within 1000 miles of my present location.

I think Christmas is kind of a pain in the ass, but I still love the simple, stupid traditions.