The World is Ending and I Have Proof

In case you didn't know yet, the world is ending. It has nothing to do with 2012 or cults or aliens, though. It has to do with Snooki. And The Situation. And even the beloved Pauly D. The entire Jersey Shore cast has forsaken us to doom by becoming Christmas ornaments.

I came across these Christmas monstrosities at my local CVS one evening and almost vomited in my mouth. Seriously? This is what the world is coming to? I don't really mind the non-Christmas Christmas ornaments that depict pop culture icons like "I Love Lucy" or Elvis or even the ones with football players on them because even some football players have notable talents or skills, but Jersey Shore? Seriously? This is who people want hanging on their trees? No names who became "famous" by acting like drunken idiots and putting a bad name with an entire group of people? Awesome.

I have to admit that if I were still in college (and drinking heavily) I would probably purchase the whole lot just to make a White Trash Christmas Tree; complete with the entire cast of Jersey Shore, some Natty Light beer cans strung up, strands of lights that flash and only partially work, possibly even some used cigarette butt garland. I think that's a tree that I could really be "proud" of, but it seems like one of those things where you really have to go full steam, or not at all. One Snooki ornament could be enough to ruin an entire tree.

It seems that every year Christmas gets further and further from the point and closer and closer to the end of the world. The Jersey Shore ornaments are just the first sign that we're doomed. What's next, big box electronics retailers making fun of Santa in their commercials?! Uh oh....

Three Christmas Related Questions

Christmas is confusing to me in a lot of ways. But, today I was wondering these three specific things.

1.) How early is TOO early to start listening to Christmas music? Greg told me XM doesn't start playing Christmas music until this week, but I feel like there's a chance he was either a.) lying so he didn't have to listen to Christmas music or b.) actually has no idea and was just making shit up. I feel like there's probably a year round Christmas music station. And if there's not, they're really missing an untapped resource and I feel like I should get credit (and royalties) for any money they make off of that station.

2.) How early is too early to send out Christmas cards? I ordered some pretty epic Christmas/Holiday cards this year. Without my Groupon and awesome discounts, they were like $106! $106 for freaking Christmas cards, NOT including postage. No wonder people complain about how much they spend on Christmas. It's the middle of November and I've probably already dropped $700 on cards, pre-purchased gifts, and plane tickets. I mean, the older I get, the less angry I get at Scrooge. I get it. I totally get it. That's probably also why it took me 30 minutes to come up with a "nice" phrase to put on the cards that was not totally laced with profanity. "Happy Holidays. Fuck Off." Was quickly shot down as was "We hope you have a wonderful holiday season and get all the stupid shit you want. You know what the fuck I'm talking about".

3.) How early is too early to put up a Christmas tree? I've seen some Facebook updates that seem like now is an ok time to do it. I have a tree being delivered (!!!) the Saturday after Thanksgiving (including a stand, awesome, right?!) and I feel like that's an appropriate time, but I'd totally have those bitches up now if I had my hoard of fake trees within 1000 miles of my present location.

I think Christmas is kind of a pain in the ass, but I still love the simple, stupid traditions.