Cool Jobs are Cool: Part 2

My other recruiter just came into my office to as some ridiculous question about something boring and work related.

And then showed me his Steelers socks (because we had to have a serious conversation about not wearing short, athletic socks in the office when someone important is here for a visit about a month ago, so we have impromptu sock checks, I guess). Apparently, they're thermal. Because it's "cold". It's, like, 55. And it's almost December. It's not "cold".

And then he explained to me how Charlotte winters are awesome because if it's warm in the evening you can have a bon fire.
Me: Is it like a hobo fire? Because your socks look like hobo socks.
Guy: No, it's in an upscale neighborhood at my friend's house.
Me: Is your friend's house made of cardboard and dirt?
Guy: No, it's in Upscale Neighborhood X. (All uppity-like)
Me: So? That doesn't mean it's not a cardboard "house". I mean, they have a hobo fire, after all.
Guy: It's not a hobo fire. It's in a fire pit. I have a fire pit for my deck at my apartment too. They're very nice. (getting very angry and cocky about his alleged fancy fire pit)
Me: Well, that's just illegal.
Guy: Touché.
Me: Have fun at your hobo fire tonight.
Guy: *eye roll*

I'm such an awesome boss...

Cool Jobs are Cool

I have a cool job. I'm in staffing. It's way more awesome than it sounds, trust me.

For example, one of my recruiters just came in my office and said, "Can I ask you about felonies?"

Legitimate question, funny out of context.

The question continued with, "Well, this candidate has a felony from 24 years ago. Is that ok?"

To which I replied, "Sure. I was pooping my pants 24 years ago, and I don't want anyone holding that over my head, either."

Lunch?

As some of you (hopefully not many though because I get anxiety when I think about people I actually know reading any of this) already know, I recently got engaged to my longtime beau after years of trickery. He really has no idea what he's getting himself into. Although he has read my blog...so maybe he does. As we all know, your wedding day is pretty much the best you're going to look in all of your adult life and requires much pain and torture to get back to your 20-year-old-fighting-weight. This realization hit me the night of our engagement when I decided my arm looked obese in every photo we tried to take. Because of this realization, I have started a year and a half quest to get back down to my fighting weight and relinquish fat arm pictures to 10 years from now where they belong.

So far, this quest has not been easy. I have decided to take the traditional route of "eating healthy and working out". Thanksgiving really got me off to a great start on that, too, when I gained 5 pounds in 5 days. A true success...if I were getting married in Uganda. Any woman in America knows about Lean Cuisine and I have really tried to stick to these for my lunches. It is, indeed, "lean"; however, I'm not yet sold on the idea of it being "cuisine". I've probably eaten 200 Lean Cuisines in my life and have never enjoyed one. But I keep eating them in hopes they will make me look like the aforementioned Barbies below for at least one day. Recently, I decided to really indulge myself and go with the cheese ravioli Lean Cuisine. The photo looks so luscious and wonderful on the box, what with the herbed ricotta filling and all. And then you make it in real life (although I use the term "make" pretty loosely, since you just put it in the microwave for, like, 4 minutes) and it looks like this:

Mmmm...cheesy, saucy, "cuisine"

SIX raviolis. SIX. And all six of them taste like cardboard. No wonder you can lose weight eating the damn things. Not only is there hardly a bite of food in the tray, but it tastes like the box it came in, possibly worse.

Although I know the end results will be worth it and I'll be so glad my upper arms don't look fat in all of my wedding photos so I won't have to obsess about it for the next 50+ years, the road to fitness is a real bitch.

Goodbye forever, Taco Bell... Well, at least for the next year and a half.

Real Products... That are REALLY Funny

I love things that are funny. And I really get a kick out of things I see in real life that are funny, whether intentionally, or not. Below are a few things that are funny. And real.

I saw these crackers in my local grocery store and definitely did a double take. Did someone not proofread the name of these crackers? Or were they made by Amish people who don't understand the connotation? Either way, I definitely had a good laugh in the cracker aisle.



I heard about this miraculous product this morning. It's a bear deodorant protector. I bought two. I was one of the first 100 customers, so I got free shipping, so it's kind of like they paid for themselves. Man, my friend Bear is really going to be excited when she gets one of these for her wedding shower gift! No, really. I'm giving one away as a shower gift. I recommend you do the same. It will bring joy to anyone's life.

I guess calling your cleaning product "Totally Awesome" is one way to get people excited about scrubbing toilets!

If you've been in a hardware store in the last 3 years, you've probably already seen this product, but that doesn't make it any less hilarious.



If you've had a baby in the last, however many years, you've probably also seen this product. In case you were wondering where this paste goes, it's not on your hands.

"Oh, that? No I just have a cut on my hand." Awesome.

When Did Barbie Become Such a Skank?

I grew up playing with Barbies. I loved them. You can pretend that you actually have a white Ferrari and a pink horse and a trunk full of sparkly clothes and huge boobs. You can be whatever you want to be when you're playing with Barbies; a doctor, a nurse, a vet, a professor, and a variety of other professions that require advanced degrees. Barbie was the bomb.

Or so I thought. But seriously, when did Barbie become such a skank?

I came across this gem at TJ Maxx the other day (because I'm a sensational Maxxinista and love getting deals on Calvin Klein). It really made me think, no wonder the kids these days are dressing the way they do and acting the way they do. Have you SEEN Barbie?! When I was growing up Barbie encouraged me to go to school and be smart. You didn't need Ken, you just needed to be smart and awesome. Not to mention, Ken always wore those flesh colored underwear and that always really creeped me out.

Like I've already mentioned, MY Barbie was a doctor, or a bride, or a woman shopping on Rodeo drive in a fantastic pant suit. Who the hell is this?

I'm really starting to think that once Midge got pregnant (it was literally a Barbie with a silly putty egg in her belly with a baby in it!), the entire Barbie family had to move to the projects and start turning tricks to make ends meet and buy pampers for Midge's kid. You know, based on this photo.

Aside from Barbie looking skanky from the dress and hair and make-up, when did they change the Barbie proportions? I remember everyone used to be all up in arms about how busty and hip-y and whatever-y Barbie was, but now she just looks like an anorexic hooker (also read: crack whore). I'd much rather have my hypothetical children playing with a Barbie whose at least got some booty, because lord knows they'll inherit enough of it that they'll need to be comfortable with it and know how fab they can be without not eating.

I'm sure there are still fantastic Barbie clothes out there and if I were to go to a Toys R Us I'd see that doctor Barbie still exists, but I was really put off by the new version of Barbie. I want old Barbie back. Fortunately, I grew up loving Barbie and that will never change. I blame the real skanks, Bratz Dolls.

I'M A HUGE POWERBALL WINNER!!!!

Holy shit ya'll!!! I WON! I seriously won!!!

I'm terrible about buying Powerball tickets and never checking them...ever. I keep them in my coin compartment in my car and then just forgot about them. But holy shit, today, I finally got them checked. And I won.

I got my winning ticket and cash and waved it in the air and cheered in the Kangaroo Express! "WOO HOO! I WON!!!!". The only other patron was a guy getting coffee. He looked at me like I was mostly crazy and asked, "Do you really need it?" And I said, "Yes! Of course! I won!" The clerk also looked at me like I was crazy until I informed him that it was the most I've ever won on Powerball.


After the excitement died down, I took my coffee and my Coke Zero and my $4 winnings and carried on with my life like I hadn't just won on the Powerball.

Don't worry guys. I won't let it change me.

The Case of the Mystery Shoes

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered a pair of shoes in the community space behind my condo while walking my dog. I have no idea where the shoes came from, but was instantly curious. Who just leaves their shoes?? At the time, I assumed they belonged to one of the guys who was working on a condo who were out on the deck, not wearing shoes. Or that it was a prank and someone would give it up and bring them back. It turns out that those guys do not actually live there, despite them saying "Hello!" to me while I was out there. Twice. A couple days after that, I realized the shoes were STILL there and had to take a picture. When I first saw them, no leaves anywhere. Notice the leaves in the shoes, that's how long they'd been out there.

FOUND: Shoes. May or may not have been lost while full of leaves. If not, leaves a bonus.

How do you just leave your shoes here? It's crazy.

Today, while taking out my dog, I decided I needed to check on the shoes. They'd been there over the past couple of weeks, but you never know. Maybe somebody liked them and adopted them. My dog looked like an alien when I adopted him, but I still love him just the same.


Today, they were still there! But had been moved closer to the woods. The weirdest thing is that they're in, generally, the same position, just a different location. I'm assuming the mowers did this, but maybe the person who left the shoes there was just trying to throw us all off, or hide them. I mean, they look awfully comfortable.

More leaves. Closer to the creepy woods where my dog poops.

I really am interested to see what happens to these shoes. If you like them, I'd be more than happy to mail them to you. Once they dry. If you know what kind of shoes these are, that would be helpful too in narrowing down which of my neighbors they might belong to.

Don't worry, I'll keep you posted on the shoes. I know it will keep many of you up at night... Or maybe it's just me.